I'm sure most of you have experienced loneliness at some time in your life.
Sometimes I sit here longing for a human connection. My friends have their own lives, families, and activities. My kids are gone. I no longer have my students and co-workers to interact with throughout the day. In the past I would have had papers to correct or lesson plans to write. Children to drop off or pick up. Someone wanting to watch a movie and share popcorn.
I go on-line hoping to make a connection with someone, waiting to see who will comment or post. It feels desperate and pathetic.
Sean and I are in the same house but don't connect the way we used to. Even when we are in the same room, many times he is somewhere else.
At times, he is getting better, trying more, and I'm the one pulling away. Not because I don't want the attention, affection, or interaction, but because I'm so scared of the rejection that will come. I don't want to let the feelings in because when this phase passes, and it always does, I will be devastated and feel even more alone.
Tonight he is in the basement again. It is his refuge and safe place. He has been working extremely hard on projects for the VFW and it is amazing to see him working on something he is passionate about again. It exhausts him. It takes all his time and energy to focus on the task in front of him. He has put off training on his bike this week. In fact, he hasn't really ridden in the last two or three weeks due to schedule changes and another sinus infection. It illustrates for me what happens when we do not keep to his schedule, and how he is not able to divide his time effectively--it's all or nothing toward one goal. Whatever he is focused on consumes him.
He will be on a hunting trip next week and while I'm looking forward to the break and possibly sleeping through the night, I know I will be anxious while he is away. I also know how much more I will feel alone.
It's not that I don't have projects to work on, things to do. It's more that empty space inside of me feels amplified when he is not here. Partly residual from the numerous separations we have endured, and partly from being a caregiver and Sean being my "purpose." When he isn't here, I don't quite know what to do with myself.
I know all about finding time for myself, and doing things I enjoy. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself. I just needed to get it out tonight.
3 comments:
I know exactly what you mean there about being lonely. I feel it often enough. When my Sean is feeling alright I tend to flood him with conversation and sometimes it's about information he isn't interested in. I always appologize and tell him that I don't wish to annoy him it's just most of the time he is the only adult interaction I have and so I can't help it. I also will sit on Facebook and sometimes even Twitter seeking out other social interaction. It does make one feel desperate and pathetic and I get kind of sad when I post a status that I think people will comment on and then no one does.
When my Sean's buddy was living nearby, he recently moved, anyway they would once in awhile get together at his buddy's place for a kind of guy's night out. I was happy for Sean to go out and do something to help distract him from his troubles and have a buddy to hang out with, but at the sametime I felt miserable that I didn't have my own person to do that with. I cried a lot during those nights and felt so bad because it would make Sean feel guilty for leaving. I would try over and over to explain to him that I was happy for him, but he couldn't see passed my tears and so it just made me feel even worse that I was ruining his rare evenings of "fun time".
It's difficult though because we are so isolated in our positions. We either are shunned from those who don't get it or care or we become reclusive and shut ourselves off because of feeling protective of our family. Then of course when we find other people who can relate to our situations we find they are all scattered all over the place and so the distance is difficult to surpass. Then you have the support groups through the internet and many of us try and reach out to connect or vent as we need to, but then we struggle with the doubts. "Are they going to think me silly for complaining about this?" "Are they going to ignore my pleas?" "Are they going to brush off what I say because they deal with things far worse than I do?" I mean I doubt they would but as humans it's difficult to get passed those doubts sometimes.
So, though we aren't alone we still feel lonely and starved of companionship.
I don't feel all that confident that we will be able to not feel those things from time to time, but I know that we can find our own ways to help make some of those times more bearable and less depressing. I use mine to read because if I allow myself to escape mentally then I can feel apart of another World and it eases some of that loneliness.
~Aimee Taylor
http://apatientheart.blogspot.com
Aimee, Thank you for your continued support of veterans and caregivers. You know as well as anyone that many times all we have is each other, no matter how far apart we may be.
:) Melissa
I love you Melissa. ♥
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